part 1

15 years old:

she's sitting on her bed, 11pm, staring at her phone and waiting for a message that never comes.

2am, lying in the dark - nothing but questions floating around in her head.
was it something i said? maybe that joke wasn't funny enough.
was it something i wore? i probably looked fat.
did i do something weird? i'm not sure, he didn't say anything about it.

all she had was questions swirling around in her mind causing nothing but anxiety and confusion. she doubted everything.
does he love me? she wondered nervously, because she certainly loved him. she loved him with a fierce and passionate love. the kind of love that puts stars in your eyes and butterflies in your stomach. she loved him more than she knew what to do with and more than she wanted to admit.

but by 15 and 10 months, she knew it wasn't love. it was something different - more shallow.
who really knows what the feeling was. infatuation, maybe? a need to be wanted, craved by another person. she waited, waited, and waited for him to pick her up and save her. that's what love did, right? it saved you?

so, at 15 and 11 months, she realized that if love was going to save her, then she was going to need to love herself.

open letter to my grandfather

dear poppo,

school started a few weeks ago. i'm finally at temple! the other day i went to call you on my way out of my education class, but then i realized i couldn't and was a little bit pissed about it actually. you'd love to hear about my classes and all of the things i'm learning. my one class is specifically about how to educate children in a diverse society - i bet you could teach it yourself. i really hate my math class. i don't understand it that much because it's a lot of logic and i just don't think like that.

everyday i eat something new at school and i wish that we could have lunch together. i have an everywhere trailpass to commute so i can take whatever train, bus, or subway i want as much as i want and i've really been getting a lot of use out of it! i've been down to city hall a few times and Brendan and i went to walnut street and rittenhouse square a few weeks ago. i wish that you were here to meet him; i think you guys are really similar and that is probably why i like him so much ahah. he's pretty quiet until you get him to open up. he's super funny and smart and loves jesus a lot. he wants to be an elementary and special ed teacher in the city! he's also very big into social justice and equality, which i love. i think you guys would have a lot to talk about.

Sarah had her baby about 2 months ago! it was a little girl and her name is Selah Ann. she is PRECIOUS. i seriously love her more than life. i wish you could meet her! also, Joshua and Kristen and Caleb moved back home. Kristen is going to have a babygirl at the end of October and the family just keeps on growing. recently, i have gotten pretty close with Robbie. he is a lot like you too, i think. you'd be really proud of him.

i've gone through a lot of transitions lately with school, friends, family, and just about everything in between. oh, i forgot! i just got a job at the YMCA working with kids on broad street! i'm pretty excited about starting that soon. i wish so badly that i could take a drive down to media and spend the afternoon with you, but instead this letter will have to do.

i love you so very much and i promise that i'm being careful.
see you soon,
xoxo,
Abigail

slowly.

i am slowly, but surely, learning what it means to love someone.

my world is constantly filled with thoughts of myself because the world revolves around me, right?? after a lifetime of life being all about me, suddenly and wonderfully, there is someone else to share it with. but wait, can i actually do that?? can i actually let someone else inside the deep dark corners of who i am and fully allow myself to become vulnerable with them?? could i possibly stop thinking about myself for like 3 seconds and take time out of my day to think about another human being's needs and wants?

of course it is impossible to perfectly love someone else because we are imperfect people. however, it  isn't impossible to try. and with this in mind, there will always be something for me to strive for and improve on.

so this is me. trying to love. selflessly love. because love isn't selfish.
love is patient, kind, doesn't envy or boast, love isn't proud or self seeking. no, love should be unconditional.

19.

I think that 19 is a really obsolete age because it’s right in the middle of everything. The age of 19 is like the year everyone has middle child syndrome.

18 is a big year because typically you graduate high school and turn into an “adult”

20 is your first non-teen year

21 is the official adult age

22 you’re Taylor Swift

23 you’re Michael Jordan

But 19 is just…19.

Recently, I have honestly been thinking about turning 19 so much. Today I decided that I don’t want 19 to be my middle child year.

I want 19 to be full of love and laughter and adventures on adventures. My prayer for this year is that I grow in every area of my life and that my life reflects the Lord and his grace more than it ever has before. Reflecting back on this past year, 18 came with a lot of challenges. I really had to step back and evaluate myself as a person and as a follower of Christ and decide what I wanted my life to be. I made a lot of hard choices and learned a lot of lessons the hard way.  I definitely think that some of those choices and lessons have shaped me into a better person, and now I better understand why it is important to be able to count the cost. Sometimes, my stubborn self just gets in the way. Actually, that happens more than just sometimes. But the point of me saying all this is that I want 19 to be a year of my life that matters. I don’t want it to be a year that matters in a way that was like “oh, I did some stupid stuff and now I fixed it and here we go.”

I want 19 to be a year that starts moving forward and doesn’t stop.

Goals:

1.       Adventure whenever possible

2.       Pray more

3.       Put others before myself

4.       Stop being hypercritical of myself and others

5.       Complete the left overs of my summer leap list

6.       Put forth my absolute best effort in school

7.       Love more

someday

Someday someone will love every inch of you: the fading sunset behind your eyes, the moonlight that dances through your hair, the sadness nestled in the creases of your palms. They're going to kiss all the parts you have kept hidden away and tell you how beautiful it all is.

Someday someone is going to say, "I love all of you, not just the parts that make sense, not just the parts you have shown me. I love the parts of you that I don't yet understand, the parts that weigh on your shoulders, the parts I only notice when I steal glances at you in the silence."

You will need to believe them; to believe that fairytales were not written for princesses in glass slippers, but that they were written for women who have collected all the pieces of a broken heart and can't stand to put it together again. But most of all you will need to believe that they were written for you.

Someday someone will come to you with a happily ever after promise and slide it over your finger. Someday you'll realize you are not the lucky one, you are the deserving one. Someday you are going to take someone's breath away.

Someday you will realize just how stunning you really are, and you will fall to your knees.
-Tyler Kent White

a tribute to my grandfather.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Abigail and I am Bob’s youngest granddaughter. Actually, just youngest grandchild in general. I lovingly referred to him as Poppo because when I was young the word Papere was too much of a struggle and I’ve always been a little bit of a rebel.

For all of my life, I have always loved learning. I haven’t always loved admitting it, but it’s true. One of the things I loved the most about my grandfather is all of the things I learned from him. A little over a month ago, I sat with him and we had a pretty serious conversation about growing up and what that looks like. He said, “Abigail, do what you love. Money is important but family, love, and happiness are more important." Poppo was the kindest man I have ever met in my life. Not only did he tell me the things I should value most, he lived that way too.

When I was a little girl, me and my mom would go visit Poppo and Aunt Teresa and I would always make Poppo play cards with me. Now mind you, I was not very good at cards and I cheated a lot but we would always eat chips ahoy and laugh and laugh until we couldn’t laugh anymore. Then Aunt Teresa would come in and say, “What’s all this ruckus in here?” and Poppo would say, “Boy, she’s tough paper, isn’t she?”

My grandfather taught me the importance of being able to crack a joke, and then laugh at it – even if you’re the only one laughing. A quality I also share with my mom. He told me to dream without limits, and to chase those dreams no matter what the cost. I can’t tell you how many times he sat with me and encouraged me to do my best. During my senior year of soccer, I was having a serious issue with my coach and I called him and ranted about her. He said, “Never give up and never back down.” Poppo was the man who told me that I could do anything, and believed it. When I said I was going to Temple to study education, just like him, he said I should try out for the soccer team and my sister and I just laughed because I wasn’t very good but he thought I was.

When he lived with us, we would eat ice cream and watch NCIS and laugh. When it was nice outside, he would sit on the porch and watch me dribble and practice punts. To this day, he is the reason I know how to do anything with my left foot. I have a thousand memories with my grandfather. He was probably my favorite family member and I definitely told him that more than once.

So Poppo, there are a few things that I have left to say to you specifically. I want you to know that you are my hero. You’re kind and strong and have survived more than anyone ever should have to. I love that I got your sense of humor and love of laughing. Your competitive spirit has always come in handy, too. You devoted your life to giving back to the community and my desire is to follow in your footsteps and do the same. I have learned so many things from you. You taught me to value people and memories more than money and things. Because of you, I know that I can do anything I could ever imagine with hard work and perseverance. Thank you for loving me well.

One last thing – in May you told me that you wanted to see Josh again, meet Selah when she was born, walk again, and dance with me on my wedding day. Well, Poppo, you got to see Josh and I am positive that Mumere has already dragged you to a thousand flea markets and that you’re running circles around everyone up there.

I love you forever, and I promise to save you a dance on my wedding. Be careful.

summer summer summer

going going going....
gone.
and we're off, full speed ahead, no looking back.
2 classes, transitioning from 2 jobs into 1 full time job
new things happening with friends
family growing
& just general life happening

slowly but surely, i've been crossing things off of my summer leap list which has been fun.
i'm trying to be really intentional about finishing the whole list.

along with that, i've been learning a lot about myself recently.

things i've discovered:

1. it's important to make decisions with your head, not your heart.

yes, we have feelings and emotions. yes, they are both important. but, there comes a time when you have to set how you feel aside to make a rational decision. it's never a good idea to make a decision purely based on emotion. it's also never a good idea to make an important decision while you're on your period. the end.

2. it's also important to take inventory of your heart, and find out what matters most to you.

over the weekend i had training for my new job as a camp counselor at CSF. saturday morning, devos were about loving christ and loving as christ loves. i was really challenged to examine my heart and the things that i hold closest to me. i realized that recently i have been putting other things and people before christ and that is 100% not okay. in order to keep christ first, i need to intentionally be seeking him DAILY.

walking with christ is a choice i have to make

every day.