I don't love you anymore.

excerpt of a story that doesn't need to be written

be ashes.

Ever since I was 15 years old, I have been trying to teach myself that I don't need a hero. 

I don't need someone to swoop in and save me. 

I need to save myself. 

I am literally never going to be happy until I can fully, confidently, 100% say that I am the only person I need. 

I have been trying to learn this for four years.

But today I realized that it's just not true. 

Humans were made to need other humans. We're not meant to be alone and stay that way.

It's not wrong to need help. It's not wrong to fall apart and crumble. It's not wrong to burn to ashes. 

It's wrong to stay that way. 

So ask for help. Fall apart. Crumble to the ground. Burn down. 

But rise again. Be a Phoenix. Find new life. Rebuild. And be stronger than ever. 

Life is hard, and ya can't do it alone. 

"We can't control much in life, and we can't always control what comes into our view. Yet, Jesus has given us control over what we dwell on. And in the end, what we dwell on is what we become. Where we camp is where we live and die." (Louie Giglio)

love overcomes fear.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't angry with the results of this election. In the year of 2016, I am astounded at the amount of hate that has filled our country and the city that I love so much. I was taught to love others no matter what their class, race, background, gender, etc. I have already begun to see the effects of the divide, and this is only day 1.

Yesterday my mom reminded me that Israel asked for a king, not the king the Lord wanted for them, but their request was granted because he gave them up to govern themselves. America asked for a king, and they have certainly gotten what they asked for. To all of my friends who are upset, we MUST remember that when they go low we go high. We must carry ourselves with class and dignity and love. Love others. Love the people around you. Love hard and love without reserve because that is what is going to carry us through.

I don't know if or how he will but God, please bless America.

Contract.

at the end of the day

at the end of the say you are the person i say goodnight to.
so even if you've managed to piss me off, annoy me, irk me to death
you're still the one who makes me laugh until i cry.
you're still the one i forward all my funny jokes and messages to.
you're still the one i can't wait to talk to everyday.
because at the end of the day,
you're the person i say goodnight to.

a pep talk for myself

recently, i had to write a bio about myself in the third person and it was way more difficult than it should have been. you think you know yourself, and you think you're interesting, but then BAM, you're not.

but actually, i am.

i am a wildfire. i am an exclamation. i am a WILDFIRE!!!
i start with a spark and i burn until i touch everything around me. i come in and out with a bang.
i will never let anyone tell me i am anything less than wonderful, not even myself.
so be it. be brave, be big, be bold, be spontaneous, be independent. be yourself. stop letting the world make you hard and sad and lonely. life is good and the earth is a wonderful place to live with adventures to be had and people to be met and stories to be told. go big or go home. love deeply. tell the people you love that you love them. stop holding back for fear of rejection. if they reject you, they never deserved you anyways. work hard in school. work hard in work. spend some time alone. make some tea, put on beyonce, and handle it. your worst day is never so bad that you can't survive it.
so rise like the sun and burn like a wildfire because this is your time to shine.

///

"If you could only describe Abigail in one word, probably the best word you could use is wildfire. Wildfires start with a spark and then don't stop spreading until they've touched everything around them. Between balancing work, school, and social responsibilities, Abigail needs that big spark to start her and keep her going. She is always going from one new idea to the next, burning bright for everyone around her to see. Her goals are to move from an educator in the city of Philadelphia to serve on the City Council as the eventual Secretary of Education. Abigail wants to make a difference in the life of every person and child she comes in contact with. She aims to do so with a smile and laugh because her life mantra is to do more of what you love."

part 5

she had been swimming rapidly for as long as she could remember
stroke after stroke
kicking and kicking

finally, after what had been miles,
she saw land
so she swam faster and harder to the land before her
and when she got there, she realized,

this is what i have been swimming too -
all this time

it wasn't paradise, by any stretch,
but it was a new place to call home.
a new place, with a new season
she met new people and experienced new things
this land was a land of firsts.

after she had some time to process all of these changes,
and believe me, there were a lot of changes,
she began to realize something about herself.
she had a little bit of "i need to save the world" in her
and since she had started with saving herself,
she decided she wanted to save someone else.

so that was her life goal,
to save as many people as she could,
and that's how she ended up where she did.

part 4

eighteen was
back on the learning curve
back to square one, learning lessons the hard way
crying tears and wishing the years away

this poor girl couldn't catch a break
or so she thought.
but really, she had caught so many breaks
she could have been dead,
not just damaged.

at the end of the first 6 months, she had to force herself to fight
to pick up the broken and shattered pieces
of life and of herself
and of her heart
to fight.
fight hard and work hard because this wasn't what life was supposed to be

she dawned a ponytail
her favorite sneakers
fists held high -
she fought

fast forward through the second six months &
life had dramatically changed.
our friend had really changed from
a sad and lonely, broken girl
to someone who put in the work
to save herself.

part 3

she loved to laugh. 

she still does, actually. but back then her life was full of laughs - every kind.

small chuckles to herself in the back of the classroom

big belly laughs with her friends during lunch

silent-can't breathe-otter noises-snorts-tears rolling down her face in the middle of the night at a sleepover

laughs

she resisted the laughs for a while, because who likes to laugh during a time that's supposed to be serious? it's no easy thing to pick a college and a major and a future.

so why not change plans 4, 5, or 7 times?

because at 17, how was she supposed to know what she wanted out of life?

so she took the stress in stride,

and did what anyone else would do -

because life was good and friends were nice and family was fun and school was easy

so everything else beyond that wasn't important

right here and right now was happening

and right here and right now someone told a joke and it was funny

so she laughed

part 2

"you've lost it," she said matter of factly.

"what do you mean i've lost it?"

"you've lost the fire in your eyes. it used to be there, swirling around in the deep blue corners of your eyes, but it's gone now. your love for life and pure excitement about living is just gone. where did it go?"

i had to think for a minute about what she could mean. it really took me by surprise that she came out and said what everyone knew and had been thinking.

"well," i began, "i think i left it in a few places, pieces of burning coals. part of it i left in the back of a mini van, part of it i left in the mountains, part of it i left down the shore. some of me ran with water down the sink late at night, but these were all places that i sort of dropped pieces of me - like i didn't purposely leave myself there. i just kind of left them along the way."

"oh," she said sort of confused, "are there any places you left yourself on purpose?"

"i left myself between the pages of every book i read this year. i am stitched into every word i wrote for school and in my journal. i am quietly lurking around the halls of our high school and in the foot prints i left on the soccer field. a piece of myself resides with you, my best friend - in every laugh we have laughed and every tear we have cried. through every good decision and every bad decision, you have never left my side."

"you say that like i ever had any other choice but to stay. you need me. but the funny thing, is that i need you too."

16 years old.

part 1

15 years old:

she's sitting on her bed, 11pm, staring at her phone and waiting for a message that never comes.

2am, lying in the dark - nothing but questions floating around in her head.
was it something i said? maybe that joke wasn't funny enough.
was it something i wore? i probably looked fat.
did i do something weird? i'm not sure, he didn't say anything about it.

all she had was questions swirling around in her mind causing nothing but anxiety and confusion. she doubted everything.
does he love me? she wondered nervously, because she certainly loved him. she loved him with a fierce and passionate love. the kind of love that puts stars in your eyes and butterflies in your stomach. she loved him more than she knew what to do with and more than she wanted to admit.

but by 15 and 10 months, she knew it wasn't love. it was something different - more shallow.
who really knows what the feeling was. infatuation, maybe? a need to be wanted, craved by another person. she waited, waited, and waited for him to pick her up and save her. that's what love did, right? it saved you?

so, at 15 and 11 months, she realized that if love was going to save her, then she was going to need to love herself.

open letter to my grandfather

dear poppo,

school started a few weeks ago. i'm finally at temple! the other day i went to call you on my way out of my education class, but then i realized i couldn't and was a little bit pissed about it actually. you'd love to hear about my classes and all of the things i'm learning. my one class is specifically about how to educate children in a diverse society - i bet you could teach it yourself. i really hate my math class. i don't understand it that much because it's a lot of logic and i just don't think like that.

everyday i eat something new at school and i wish that we could have lunch together. i have an everywhere trailpass to commute so i can take whatever train, bus, or subway i want as much as i want and i've really been getting a lot of use out of it! i've been down to city hall a few times and Brendan and i went to walnut street and rittenhouse square a few weeks ago. i wish that you were here to meet him; i think you guys are really similar and that is probably why i like him so much ahah. he's pretty quiet until you get him to open up. he's super funny and smart and loves jesus a lot. he wants to be an elementary and special ed teacher in the city! he's also very big into social justice and equality, which i love. i think you guys would have a lot to talk about.

Sarah had her baby about 2 months ago! it was a little girl and her name is Selah Ann. she is PRECIOUS. i seriously love her more than life. i wish you could meet her! also, Joshua and Kristen and Caleb moved back home. Kristen is going to have a babygirl at the end of October and the family just keeps on growing. recently, i have gotten pretty close with Robbie. he is a lot like you too, i think. you'd be really proud of him.

i've gone through a lot of transitions lately with school, friends, family, and just about everything in between. oh, i forgot! i just got a job at the YMCA working with kids on broad street! i'm pretty excited about starting that soon. i wish so badly that i could take a drive down to media and spend the afternoon with you, but instead this letter will have to do.

i love you so very much and i promise that i'm being careful.
see you soon,
xoxo,
Abigail

slowly.

i am slowly, but surely, learning what it means to love someone.

my world is constantly filled with thoughts of myself because the world revolves around me, right?? after a lifetime of life being all about me, suddenly and wonderfully, there is someone else to share it with. but wait, can i actually do that?? can i actually let someone else inside the deep dark corners of who i am and fully allow myself to become vulnerable with them?? could i possibly stop thinking about myself for like 3 seconds and take time out of my day to think about another human being's needs and wants?

of course it is impossible to perfectly love someone else because we are imperfect people. however, it  isn't impossible to try. and with this in mind, there will always be something for me to strive for and improve on.

so this is me. trying to love. selflessly love. because love isn't selfish.
love is patient, kind, doesn't envy or boast, love isn't proud or self seeking. no, love should be unconditional.

19.

I think that 19 is a really obsolete age because it’s right in the middle of everything. The age of 19 is like the year everyone has middle child syndrome.

18 is a big year because typically you graduate high school and turn into an “adult”

20 is your first non-teen year

21 is the official adult age

22 you’re Taylor Swift

23 you’re Michael Jordan

But 19 is just…19.

Recently, I have honestly been thinking about turning 19 so much. Today I decided that I don’t want 19 to be my middle child year.

I want 19 to be full of love and laughter and adventures on adventures. My prayer for this year is that I grow in every area of my life and that my life reflects the Lord and his grace more than it ever has before. Reflecting back on this past year, 18 came with a lot of challenges. I really had to step back and evaluate myself as a person and as a follower of Christ and decide what I wanted my life to be. I made a lot of hard choices and learned a lot of lessons the hard way.  I definitely think that some of those choices and lessons have shaped me into a better person, and now I better understand why it is important to be able to count the cost. Sometimes, my stubborn self just gets in the way. Actually, that happens more than just sometimes. But the point of me saying all this is that I want 19 to be a year of my life that matters. I don’t want it to be a year that matters in a way that was like “oh, I did some stupid stuff and now I fixed it and here we go.”

I want 19 to be a year that starts moving forward and doesn’t stop.

Goals:

1.       Adventure whenever possible

2.       Pray more

3.       Put others before myself

4.       Stop being hypercritical of myself and others

5.       Complete the left overs of my summer leap list

6.       Put forth my absolute best effort in school

7.       Love more

someday

Someday someone will love every inch of you: the fading sunset behind your eyes, the moonlight that dances through your hair, the sadness nestled in the creases of your palms. They're going to kiss all the parts you have kept hidden away and tell you how beautiful it all is.

Someday someone is going to say, "I love all of you, not just the parts that make sense, not just the parts you have shown me. I love the parts of you that I don't yet understand, the parts that weigh on your shoulders, the parts I only notice when I steal glances at you in the silence."

You will need to believe them; to believe that fairytales were not written for princesses in glass slippers, but that they were written for women who have collected all the pieces of a broken heart and can't stand to put it together again. But most of all you will need to believe that they were written for you.

Someday someone will come to you with a happily ever after promise and slide it over your finger. Someday you'll realize you are not the lucky one, you are the deserving one. Someday you are going to take someone's breath away.

Someday you will realize just how stunning you really are, and you will fall to your knees.
-Tyler Kent White

a tribute to my grandfather.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Abigail and I am Bob’s youngest granddaughter. Actually, just youngest grandchild in general. I lovingly referred to him as Poppo because when I was young the word Papere was too much of a struggle and I’ve always been a little bit of a rebel.

For all of my life, I have always loved learning. I haven’t always loved admitting it, but it’s true. One of the things I loved the most about my grandfather is all of the things I learned from him. A little over a month ago, I sat with him and we had a pretty serious conversation about growing up and what that looks like. He said, “Abigail, do what you love. Money is important but family, love, and happiness are more important." Poppo was the kindest man I have ever met in my life. Not only did he tell me the things I should value most, he lived that way too.

When I was a little girl, me and my mom would go visit Poppo and Aunt Teresa and I would always make Poppo play cards with me. Now mind you, I was not very good at cards and I cheated a lot but we would always eat chips ahoy and laugh and laugh until we couldn’t laugh anymore. Then Aunt Teresa would come in and say, “What’s all this ruckus in here?” and Poppo would say, “Boy, she’s tough paper, isn’t she?”

My grandfather taught me the importance of being able to crack a joke, and then laugh at it – even if you’re the only one laughing. A quality I also share with my mom. He told me to dream without limits, and to chase those dreams no matter what the cost. I can’t tell you how many times he sat with me and encouraged me to do my best. During my senior year of soccer, I was having a serious issue with my coach and I called him and ranted about her. He said, “Never give up and never back down.” Poppo was the man who told me that I could do anything, and believed it. When I said I was going to Temple to study education, just like him, he said I should try out for the soccer team and my sister and I just laughed because I wasn’t very good but he thought I was.

When he lived with us, we would eat ice cream and watch NCIS and laugh. When it was nice outside, he would sit on the porch and watch me dribble and practice punts. To this day, he is the reason I know how to do anything with my left foot. I have a thousand memories with my grandfather. He was probably my favorite family member and I definitely told him that more than once.

So Poppo, there are a few things that I have left to say to you specifically. I want you to know that you are my hero. You’re kind and strong and have survived more than anyone ever should have to. I love that I got your sense of humor and love of laughing. Your competitive spirit has always come in handy, too. You devoted your life to giving back to the community and my desire is to follow in your footsteps and do the same. I have learned so many things from you. You taught me to value people and memories more than money and things. Because of you, I know that I can do anything I could ever imagine with hard work and perseverance. Thank you for loving me well.

One last thing – in May you told me that you wanted to see Josh again, meet Selah when she was born, walk again, and dance with me on my wedding day. Well, Poppo, you got to see Josh and I am positive that Mumere has already dragged you to a thousand flea markets and that you’re running circles around everyone up there.

I love you forever, and I promise to save you a dance on my wedding. Be careful.

summer summer summer

going going going....
gone.
and we're off, full speed ahead, no looking back.
2 classes, transitioning from 2 jobs into 1 full time job
new things happening with friends
family growing
& just general life happening

slowly but surely, i've been crossing things off of my summer leap list which has been fun.
i'm trying to be really intentional about finishing the whole list.

along with that, i've been learning a lot about myself recently.

things i've discovered:

1. it's important to make decisions with your head, not your heart.

yes, we have feelings and emotions. yes, they are both important. but, there comes a time when you have to set how you feel aside to make a rational decision. it's never a good idea to make a decision purely based on emotion. it's also never a good idea to make an important decision while you're on your period. the end.

2. it's also important to take inventory of your heart, and find out what matters most to you.

over the weekend i had training for my new job as a camp counselor at CSF. saturday morning, devos were about loving christ and loving as christ loves. i was really challenged to examine my heart and the things that i hold closest to me. i realized that recently i have been putting other things and people before christ and that is 100% not okay. in order to keep christ first, i need to intentionally be seeking him DAILY.

walking with christ is a choice i have to make

every day.

summer sixteen leap list

• go to a country concert
• watch the sunrise
• tie dye
• go to peace valley park
• go fishing
• get another tattoo
• roadtrip
• go camping
• meet my niece
• jump off a bridge into water
• dye my hair a fun color
• get a chacos tan
• make a new friend
• cliff jump
• float in a boat
• go to the beach
• have a paint fight
• stargaze in an open field
• go to D.C. and visit the holocaust museum
• adventure in NYC
• go to the art museum

dare to love

the more we are forgiven, the more we should love.
we don't need to sin more in order to be forgiven more, thus loving God more. we just need to increase our awareness of our current state of sinfulness.

the increasing amount of love should be toward our ever loving father

and toward those around us.

he forgave the most notorious of sinners and walked alongside of tax collectors and sat with prostitutes.

our model of love should be jesus christ.

"and he said to the woman, 'your faith has saved you; go in peace.'" luke 7:50

The wasted years, by a miracle of love, can be restored.

- chs

18 things i learned at 18

1. the Lord forgets our sins, and treats us like we never erred. - chs

2. people will let you down. and you, no doubt, will let people down. be quick to forgive and truly mean it. being upset over an unanswered text or call isn't worth losing a friendship over.

3. sometimes, it's okay to play it safe. don't have that drink everyone else is having. stay in and read that book you want to. finish the last season of the show you've been watching. going out is fun, but not at the expense of any bad decisions that you'll regret.

4. know your limits. if you can't take 18 credits, don't. mental health always needs to come before school.

5. build relationships, and more importantly, make them count. don't spend all your time trying to get everyone to like you, because chances are, they won't. instead, focus more on relationships that will last a lifetime, not just a few nights out.

6. your mom and dad know a lot more than you give them credit for. recently, i have become closer with my parents than ever before and it's because i finally stopped acting like a bratty teenager and chose to trust them with information about myself and my life. they have become some of my best and funniest friends who would 100% do anything for me. i know that they only want the best for me.

7. be a saver, not a spender.

8. be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

9. read more books. chances are you'll relate more to them than to those tv shows you love so much.

10. spend more time with your family, and cherish it. because some day, probably some day soon, everyone will be grown up. your siblings and cousins will be married and have kids and then you'll get married and have kids. everything will be different. so make as many memories with them now as you can, so that when everything is different, you can enjoy the difference rather than wish everything was like it was before.

11. don't be afraid to ask for help. sometimes we can let pride get in the way of actually fixing a problem we have.

12. it is 100% ok to cry.

13. if you eat your feelings, that's ok, just hit the gym after. you don't want to come out of a hard season 10lbs heavier and have to deal with that too.

14. there is never any reason to act like someone you are not. if you don't like something, don't pretend that you do to please someone else. stop dressing to impress the guy you think will notice - dress to impress yourself. you have to come first.

15. learn how to manage your time. coming out of high school and into college is a huge transition and knowing how to effectively manage your time is a skill that you'll definitely need and utilize all the time. it is also a skill that you'll need for the rest of your life. (jobs, family, etc.)

16. BOYS ARE DUMB AND GIRLS ARE DUMBER. stay out of drama. #notworthit

17. keep a clean room & clean your sheets at least twice a month.

18. find someone older, that you know you can trust, to mentor you. their wisdom and knowledge about life will probably astound you. if you ask someone for advice, listen to it. and if you don't listen, don't expect them to keep giving you advice. there are good, Godly, people who truly have your best interest in mind and genuinely want to help you with your life. seek these people out. ask for prayer. admit your weaknesses. and then strive to make them your strengths.

dear 2016

dear 2016,
let this year be set on a course bound for eternity, rather than self satisfaction. may the sails of my heart and the compass of my life only point heavenward - as i make decisions, work, learn, etc. fill this year with laughter, family, travel, and purpose. most of all, i hope to discover a deeper and greater appreciation of the unending and unimaginable love & grace that is poured out on me daily. 2016, please be kind and focused.
xoxo,
2015