thankful.

'tis the season for thankfulness,

so for starters, i'd like to list a couple of things that i'm thankful for...

• my family
• my friends
• a christian school
• a job i actually love
• people that invest in me and genuinely care about me
• good health

     but the one thing i am most thankful for is a savior and heavenly father, who loves me so much that he sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins and saved me from eternal damnation. how much love and grace he has shown me over the years is proof of his faithfulness and goodness. time and time again, i have failed. i have sinned. i have fallen. but over and over again, he is always there to pick me up and plant me on my feet one more time. i seriously am in awe that he could ever want me. after all that i have said and done, he still has love in his heart and grace in his eyes. 

      when i was younger, i suffered from a bad bout of depression. it started in 8th grade or so. because of that, i did things that your average 8th grader shouldn't even dream of doing. i wanted to die and i couldn't figure out how. and so time went on, and i was still there. 9th grade was a little better but i still couldn't figure out how to deal with my problems. in 10th grade i started cutting and at one point, i had an eating disorder. i also started dating a boy. he was the world, well, my world anyway. i loved him so much, and i was so sure he loved me too. maybe he did, in some weird shallow way, but because of him i stopped cutting. he made me feel so beautiful. and in turn, he pulled me further and further away from jesus. i was so wrapped up in him, i couldn't see anyone else. i don't think he ever intended to and we thought we were great christian kids in a great christian relationship. toward the end, things got really messy. by that time it was summer, and i left to go be a camp counselor. i haven't seen him since. 

     i was a lonely, miserable kid. he went to college and i was a mess. surprisingly, my 3 best friends stuck with me that whole time. and something is to be said for their faithfulness to pray for me and love me despite my stupidity. throughout 11th grade, i struggled to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and life that i was wrecking. through all of this, i was constantly seeking looking for jesus - or so i thought. there were several times when i completely decided i didn't want to be a christian anymore. i screamed and cried and fought it. i had meetings with pastor joe and he tried to lead me to the light. many times, i thought i found jesus. i think i had some real experiences with him, times that he showed himself to me in hopes that i would take a hold of him. they never lasted long or had a deep impact. i lived a really fake life for a really long time.

     this summer is when i really hit rock bottom. i turned and ran. i ran to the world and i ran away from jesus. i started drinking and going out with my friends until all hours of the night. a boy from my 9th grade year, reentered my life and that created a sticky situation. my life had become a series of one bad decision after another. one week, all of my close friends and mentors were in coatesville and i was at home. none of them knew what was going on. little did i know, never had there been more people praying for my salvation than that week. there were 2 people left at home that i trusted, and so i confided in them. they urged me to give up and give in to jesus and his love and grace. but i thought that i was too far gone, just as i had thought so many other times. after several weeks of much seeking and crying and praying, i decided to fully, once and for all, give my life to the lord. i didn't want to; the world had nothing to offer me. christ offered me the world. he offered me life and love and joy. 

     what joy is found in communion with him! who would have thought that anyone could love me so unconditionally and purely? and for what? he gets nothing. i get everything. each day since august, i have been growing and striving to please my heavenly father. i can't fully explain the change in me since that day i decided to follow him. i hope that i'm not the only one who sees the change in me. daily he is revealing himself to me. i gave him my life, and he gives me mine.

     i think it's important to note that it hasn't been easy since i gave my life to the lord. it actually has been rather hard. i lost a lot of friends, making decisions is 'harder' (for lack of a better word?) because i have to make them based on what he wants for my life - not what i want. but it has also been so rewarding. i have become friends with way more people - people i never would have talked to otherwise, he has blessed me with a full schedule (sounds weird but really is good), and even though making decisions is stressful, i can rest in the fact that HE holds my future and has a good & perfect plan for my life! we often think that becoming a christian means that we lose more than we gain but it is quite the opposite. 

     if you think that you are too far gone, or not worthy of his love

stop.

yes you are.

we are more than conquerors.

he is our refuge & strength.

he forgives and forgets.

grace

on grace

on grace.

it's what he does best.

so lastly i am thankful for a changed life, for love, and for grace. so much grace.

"but the Lord forgets our sins, and treats us like we had never erred." 

- Charles H. Spurgeon