Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for it is better to be alone than in bad company. - George Washington

thankful.

'tis the season for thankfulness,

so for starters, i'd like to list a couple of things that i'm thankful for...

• my family
• my friends
• a christian school
• a job i actually love
• people that invest in me and genuinely care about me
• good health

     but the one thing i am most thankful for is a savior and heavenly father, who loves me so much that he sent his only son to die on the cross for my sins and saved me from eternal damnation. how much love and grace he has shown me over the years is proof of his faithfulness and goodness. time and time again, i have failed. i have sinned. i have fallen. but over and over again, he is always there to pick me up and plant me on my feet one more time. i seriously am in awe that he could ever want me. after all that i have said and done, he still has love in his heart and grace in his eyes. 

      when i was younger, i suffered from a bad bout of depression. it started in 8th grade or so. because of that, i did things that your average 8th grader shouldn't even dream of doing. i wanted to die and i couldn't figure out how. and so time went on, and i was still there. 9th grade was a little better but i still couldn't figure out how to deal with my problems. in 10th grade i started cutting and at one point, i had an eating disorder. i also started dating a boy. he was the world, well, my world anyway. i loved him so much, and i was so sure he loved me too. maybe he did, in some weird shallow way, but because of him i stopped cutting. he made me feel so beautiful. and in turn, he pulled me further and further away from jesus. i was so wrapped up in him, i couldn't see anyone else. i don't think he ever intended to and we thought we were great christian kids in a great christian relationship. toward the end, things got really messy. by that time it was summer, and i left to go be a camp counselor. i haven't seen him since. 

     i was a lonely, miserable kid. he went to college and i was a mess. surprisingly, my 3 best friends stuck with me that whole time. and something is to be said for their faithfulness to pray for me and love me despite my stupidity. throughout 11th grade, i struggled to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and life that i was wrecking. through all of this, i was constantly seeking looking for jesus - or so i thought. there were several times when i completely decided i didn't want to be a christian anymore. i screamed and cried and fought it. i had meetings with pastor joe and he tried to lead me to the light. many times, i thought i found jesus. i think i had some real experiences with him, times that he showed himself to me in hopes that i would take a hold of him. they never lasted long or had a deep impact. i lived a really fake life for a really long time.

     this summer is when i really hit rock bottom. i turned and ran. i ran to the world and i ran away from jesus. i started drinking and going out with my friends until all hours of the night. a boy from my 9th grade year, reentered my life and that created a sticky situation. my life had become a series of one bad decision after another. one week, all of my close friends and mentors were in coatesville and i was at home. none of them knew what was going on. little did i know, never had there been more people praying for my salvation than that week. there were 2 people left at home that i trusted, and so i confided in them. they urged me to give up and give in to jesus and his love and grace. but i thought that i was too far gone, just as i had thought so many other times. after several weeks of much seeking and crying and praying, i decided to fully, once and for all, give my life to the lord. i didn't want to; the world had nothing to offer me. christ offered me the world. he offered me life and love and joy. 

     what joy is found in communion with him! who would have thought that anyone could love me so unconditionally and purely? and for what? he gets nothing. i get everything. each day since august, i have been growing and striving to please my heavenly father. i can't fully explain the change in me since that day i decided to follow him. i hope that i'm not the only one who sees the change in me. daily he is revealing himself to me. i gave him my life, and he gives me mine.

     i think it's important to note that it hasn't been easy since i gave my life to the lord. it actually has been rather hard. i lost a lot of friends, making decisions is 'harder' (for lack of a better word?) because i have to make them based on what he wants for my life - not what i want. but it has also been so rewarding. i have become friends with way more people - people i never would have talked to otherwise, he has blessed me with a full schedule (sounds weird but really is good), and even though making decisions is stressful, i can rest in the fact that HE holds my future and has a good & perfect plan for my life! we often think that becoming a christian means that we lose more than we gain but it is quite the opposite. 

     if you think that you are too far gone, or not worthy of his love

stop.

yes you are.

we are more than conquerors.

he is our refuge & strength.

he forgives and forgets.

grace

on grace

on grace.

it's what he does best.

so lastly i am thankful for a changed life, for love, and for grace. so much grace.

"but the Lord forgets our sins, and treats us like we had never erred." 

- Charles H. Spurgeon

though the wind and the waves come to blow us away, there's a rock that will not be moved.

you might be a writer.

cool story time.

SUPER thankful for the body of Christ when things like this happened...here's my story:

on saturday, at around 4:30, i start getting this pain in my side. it feels like a cramp you get when you're running, yanno? so anyway, my first thought is that i'm hungry and so i get some water and keep on working. but as the night went on, the pain started getting sharper and sharper and i was on resets, so it was a lot of up and down, bending over and whatnot. 

{on a side note, we got to leave work semi-early because there was a fire in one of the resident halls, whoops. ps. i work at ann's choice as a waitress.}

so i drove home in a ball because it was the only position that wasn't ridiculously painful. i called my momma and told her what she was going on. she was really sympathetic because she had her appendix out last winter and felt my pain. we went to the emergency room at around 9 - i had a blanket, my bible, and my ipad when i went in. i remember saying to my mom, "i hope i can witness to someone because that would be really cool." they admitted me, asked a lot of questions, and i had to pee really bad. (don't worry, the cool part is coming soon.)

after they brought me to my room, a nurse came in to do an exam. she poked, and prodded and asked more questions. her name is laura. she is super nice. like ridiculously nice. as she leaned over me, i took note of her necklace. it was a cross made out of nails, wrapped in green wire, and hung with a leather strap. i thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to witness to her.

me: i love your necklace!

laura: thank you, i got it at creation last year

i was TOO TURNT

me: DO YOU LOVE JESUS

laura: hahaha, yeah i love jesus.

me: no way no way no way, i love jesus too!

so laura kept giving me needles, ivs, and blood work but the whole time we talked about creation and chris tomlin and rick warren. literally coolest moment of my whole life. it's so awesome to meet believers out in the world doing normal things, and living their lives as jesus would. if i wasn't a christian i would have totally wondered how laura got to be so nice and how at midnight why is she so happy to be taking care of me? 

christian's lives should speak volumes through their actions

not their words.

and laura's did. 

it didn't matter that she was tired, or it was late - she was ready and willing to serve.

i seriously am blown away and completely convicted by her testimony! keep laura in prayer - that she will continue to bless others wherever she goes.

also, keep me in prayer - they found an ovarian cyst. it's not really a big deal and i'm okay. but mostly pray that i can have the same testimony to others that laura had on me.

i want to be his hands and feet.