a pep talk for myself

recently, i had to write a bio about myself in the third person and it was way more difficult than it should have been. you think you know yourself, and you think you're interesting, but then BAM, you're not.

but actually, i am.

i am a wildfire. i am an exclamation. i am a WILDFIRE!!!
i start with a spark and i burn until i touch everything around me. i come in and out with a bang.
i will never let anyone tell me i am anything less than wonderful, not even myself.
so be it. be brave, be big, be bold, be spontaneous, be independent. be yourself. stop letting the world make you hard and sad and lonely. life is good and the earth is a wonderful place to live with adventures to be had and people to be met and stories to be told. go big or go home. love deeply. tell the people you love that you love them. stop holding back for fear of rejection. if they reject you, they never deserved you anyways. work hard in school. work hard in work. spend some time alone. make some tea, put on beyonce, and handle it. your worst day is never so bad that you can't survive it.
so rise like the sun and burn like a wildfire because this is your time to shine.

///

"If you could only describe Abigail in one word, probably the best word you could use is wildfire. Wildfires start with a spark and then don't stop spreading until they've touched everything around them. Between balancing work, school, and social responsibilities, Abigail needs that big spark to start her and keep her going. She is always going from one new idea to the next, burning bright for everyone around her to see. Her goals are to move from an educator in the city of Philadelphia to serve on the City Council as the eventual Secretary of Education. Abigail wants to make a difference in the life of every person and child she comes in contact with. She aims to do so with a smile and laugh because her life mantra is to do more of what you love."

part 5

she had been swimming rapidly for as long as she could remember
stroke after stroke
kicking and kicking

finally, after what had been miles,
she saw land
so she swam faster and harder to the land before her
and when she got there, she realized,

this is what i have been swimming too -
all this time

it wasn't paradise, by any stretch,
but it was a new place to call home.
a new place, with a new season
she met new people and experienced new things
this land was a land of firsts.

after she had some time to process all of these changes,
and believe me, there were a lot of changes,
she began to realize something about herself.
she had a little bit of "i need to save the world" in her
and since she had started with saving herself,
she decided she wanted to save someone else.

so that was her life goal,
to save as many people as she could,
and that's how she ended up where she did.

part 4

eighteen was
back on the learning curve
back to square one, learning lessons the hard way
crying tears and wishing the years away

this poor girl couldn't catch a break
or so she thought.
but really, she had caught so many breaks
she could have been dead,
not just damaged.

at the end of the first 6 months, she had to force herself to fight
to pick up the broken and shattered pieces
of life and of herself
and of her heart
to fight.
fight hard and work hard because this wasn't what life was supposed to be

she dawned a ponytail
her favorite sneakers
fists held high -
she fought

fast forward through the second six months &
life had dramatically changed.
our friend had really changed from
a sad and lonely, broken girl
to someone who put in the work
to save herself.

part 3

she loved to laugh. 

she still does, actually. but back then her life was full of laughs - every kind.

small chuckles to herself in the back of the classroom

big belly laughs with her friends during lunch

silent-can't breathe-otter noises-snorts-tears rolling down her face in the middle of the night at a sleepover

laughs

she resisted the laughs for a while, because who likes to laugh during a time that's supposed to be serious? it's no easy thing to pick a college and a major and a future.

so why not change plans 4, 5, or 7 times?

because at 17, how was she supposed to know what she wanted out of life?

so she took the stress in stride,

and did what anyone else would do -

because life was good and friends were nice and family was fun and school was easy

so everything else beyond that wasn't important

right here and right now was happening

and right here and right now someone told a joke and it was funny

so she laughed

part 2

"you've lost it," she said matter of factly.

"what do you mean i've lost it?"

"you've lost the fire in your eyes. it used to be there, swirling around in the deep blue corners of your eyes, but it's gone now. your love for life and pure excitement about living is just gone. where did it go?"

i had to think for a minute about what she could mean. it really took me by surprise that she came out and said what everyone knew and had been thinking.

"well," i began, "i think i left it in a few places, pieces of burning coals. part of it i left in the back of a mini van, part of it i left in the mountains, part of it i left down the shore. some of me ran with water down the sink late at night, but these were all places that i sort of dropped pieces of me - like i didn't purposely leave myself there. i just kind of left them along the way."

"oh," she said sort of confused, "are there any places you left yourself on purpose?"

"i left myself between the pages of every book i read this year. i am stitched into every word i wrote for school and in my journal. i am quietly lurking around the halls of our high school and in the foot prints i left on the soccer field. a piece of myself resides with you, my best friend - in every laugh we have laughed and every tear we have cried. through every good decision and every bad decision, you have never left my side."

"you say that like i ever had any other choice but to stay. you need me. but the funny thing, is that i need you too."

16 years old.

part 1

15 years old:

she's sitting on her bed, 11pm, staring at her phone and waiting for a message that never comes.

2am, lying in the dark - nothing but questions floating around in her head.
was it something i said? maybe that joke wasn't funny enough.
was it something i wore? i probably looked fat.
did i do something weird? i'm not sure, he didn't say anything about it.

all she had was questions swirling around in her mind causing nothing but anxiety and confusion. she doubted everything.
does he love me? she wondered nervously, because she certainly loved him. she loved him with a fierce and passionate love. the kind of love that puts stars in your eyes and butterflies in your stomach. she loved him more than she knew what to do with and more than she wanted to admit.

but by 15 and 10 months, she knew it wasn't love. it was something different - more shallow.
who really knows what the feeling was. infatuation, maybe? a need to be wanted, craved by another person. she waited, waited, and waited for him to pick her up and save her. that's what love did, right? it saved you?

so, at 15 and 11 months, she realized that if love was going to save her, then she was going to need to love herself.

open letter to my grandfather

dear poppo,

school started a few weeks ago. i'm finally at temple! the other day i went to call you on my way out of my education class, but then i realized i couldn't and was a little bit pissed about it actually. you'd love to hear about my classes and all of the things i'm learning. my one class is specifically about how to educate children in a diverse society - i bet you could teach it yourself. i really hate my math class. i don't understand it that much because it's a lot of logic and i just don't think like that.

everyday i eat something new at school and i wish that we could have lunch together. i have an everywhere trailpass to commute so i can take whatever train, bus, or subway i want as much as i want and i've really been getting a lot of use out of it! i've been down to city hall a few times and Brendan and i went to walnut street and rittenhouse square a few weeks ago. i wish that you were here to meet him; i think you guys are really similar and that is probably why i like him so much ahah. he's pretty quiet until you get him to open up. he's super funny and smart and loves jesus a lot. he wants to be an elementary and special ed teacher in the city! he's also very big into social justice and equality, which i love. i think you guys would have a lot to talk about.

Sarah had her baby about 2 months ago! it was a little girl and her name is Selah Ann. she is PRECIOUS. i seriously love her more than life. i wish you could meet her! also, Joshua and Kristen and Caleb moved back home. Kristen is going to have a babygirl at the end of October and the family just keeps on growing. recently, i have gotten pretty close with Robbie. he is a lot like you too, i think. you'd be really proud of him.

i've gone through a lot of transitions lately with school, friends, family, and just about everything in between. oh, i forgot! i just got a job at the YMCA working with kids on broad street! i'm pretty excited about starting that soon. i wish so badly that i could take a drive down to media and spend the afternoon with you, but instead this letter will have to do.

i love you so very much and i promise that i'm being careful.
see you soon,
xoxo,
Abigail