{a broken heart}

I went up to Coatesville yesterday, to visit the older kids at overnight camp.

It breaks my heart to see these kids

so unhappy, yet so full of joy & life 

so confused as to where life is going to take them, yet not have a care in the world.  

{Dynasti and Cardye circa 2012}

The kids I have come to love so dearly are growing up. 

Many of the kids there I had in my cabin/for day camp when they were still going to the younger week.  

I will be counseling the younger kids next week & I couldn't be more excited. 

I can't wait to see what The Lord has in store for us and what he will do next week. 

Please be praying for me, and the other volunteers when you think about it. 

Pray for wisdom, energy, and lots of love for these kids. 

Most of them come from single-parent homes, from the innercity of Coatesville. 

            

                                                                  {NayNay}

 {Donna, Hannah, and Josh during evening chapel}

              

                                                        ///////// Me and Dynasti ///////// 

                                                          My oh my, how she's grown. 

 Ugh. My baby, Messiah. I love her so much. 

      

                                            {Taty, Vetta, Hoggi, Schylo, and NayNay}

it's been a while. . .

hello, old friend. 

It's been quite a while, hasn't it?

So much has changed. So much has happened. 

Good. Bad. And everything in between. 

School has ended. I've started a new job. Next week, I go up to coatesville. The week after that, I start a class at BCCC. 

It's all very busy. 

I'm still living in my shell. 

And I'm still struggling to fill it with something. 

But here I am anyway, moving along. 

Because what else am I supposed to do?

I have promises to keep, and people to not let down. 

Someday, maybe I'll even make someone proud. 

{so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.}

- f. scott fitzgerald

moving forward. {or trying to, anyway}

looking forward. 

looking ahead. 

what's to come? what does the future hold?

questions, questions, questions. 

where am i going? what am i going to do?

well, i don't know. i don't know at all. 

and to be honest, that scares me to no end. i like to have a plan and know exactly what is coming next. 

and i struggle and wrestle with the fact that i can't control anything anymore. 

with all that's happened, i've become a shell of a human. 

a lowly shell, with nothing living inside. 

in a nutshell.

goodbye.

{tomorrow}

tomorrow, my sister and best friend is moving to Montana. 

no more sappy goodbyes, just know that I love you. 

and that's all you need to know. 

 

trying.

as I struggle and wrestle with a few things, this verse keeps coming to mind. however, I did not know it was a verse until today. I kept turning the phrase over in my mind when I decided to look it up. sure enough, it comes from Micah. 

{life is a cycle. a difficult, tiring, and unrelenting cycle.}

mistake. 

tears. 

repent.

small attempt at change.

not strong enough.

repeat.

over, and over, and over again. 

so I ask myself, when will the cycle end? when will I be able to stand up to my sin and say, "enough is enough!" 

well, I've come to realize that I will never be able to say that. never. 

not until I fully put my trust in The Lord, will I be able to relinquish my sin and the hold it has on my life.

and wow, does it hurt.

it hurts because of my weakness and my inability to humble myself before the throne of grace and let God take control. 

they tell me that my struggle is a good thing. the fact that I struggle, and I realize it must mean that I care and am trying. and while both of those things are true, I hate the struggle. but until I make a concious effort to change, the struggle will continue to be a losing battle. 

I have learned that I will always learn the hard way. because for some reason, the easy way isn't good enough, or something. 

so though I fall, I will rise again. 

because his mercies are new every morning. 

and his power is made perfect in weakness. 

/// what i'm eating ///

{greeeeeeen smoothie}

1 c. Ice

3/4 c. Coconut water 

1 c. Kale (I use a kale medley, which has spinach, shredded carrots, etc.)

A banana

1/2 c. Or so of all natural peanut butter

1 Tbs. Agave nectar, for sweetness.