about time

hey guys,

i know it's been a while since i've written anything on here but a lot has been happening in my life recently and i think it's about time i say something.

to the people who are here and proud:
i love you all. the support i get from each one of you day by day is what keeps me going. i am so thankful for my friends and family who have my back and are constantly at bat for me and my happiness. truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

to the people who are here, but not so  proud:
i love you all. thank you for continuing to love me, whether you agree with my lifestyle or not. i believe we can work together to salvage relationships and help learn from one another. you are looking for a "new normal" and so am i. let's find it together.

to the people who have left:
i still love you all.

this has been the hardest season of my life. i bet many people are reading this wondering how i have gone so far astray off the straight and narrow (literally), how such a wonderful and god-fearing young woman has left everything she knew. well, to be frank, i haven't! i have wrestled with and struggled through this for the last year and a half. when i first met Emily and i realized i liked her as more than just a friend, my whole world changed. how could i possibly be gay? after all i had dealt with in my christian faith, here's one more thing to add on. i ran from it and i tried and tried to be what people expected me to be, but you know what? that's not who i am. i have asked myself over and over how a god who IS love, can't support me loving my girlfriend? i haven't come up with a good answer yet.


people have been very quick to judge
which honestly, has only added to my confusion.
though there has been a great deal of animosity lately, even the "good hearted" people often overstep.
many people are urging me to turn back to jesus (assuming i had left him in the first place) but are doing the opposite of showing christ's love! if we haven't talked in a while, how about a hey how are you? before a "you're headed for hell"

those who have approached me in humility and love will tell you first hand i will get coffee with anyone who wants to ask me about my life. there is so much more happening in it than just me being gay! i go to school, i am the president of the rugby team, etc.

so all of this being said: if you have a question for me, go ahead, ask. my number is 267-977-4966.
but seriously, stop teaching your kids to post comments on facebook, instead how about you reach out? maybe then my awesome mother in law won't roast you on the internet.

the LGBTQ community faces so much adversity and then people want to know why none of them want to go to church?

LOVE people. love them for who they are as HUMANS and stop valuing their sexuality over their humanness! God created ALL MEN equal and belittling and bullying people in the name of God isn't what he asked his followers to do.

so if you need me, i'm gonna be out here living my life. feel free to give me a call, send me a text, shoot me a message, send a letter, carrier pidgeon, anything. but make it personal, if you really do care. and if you don't care enough to talk directly to ME, then put up or shut up.

thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

this essay ended up being everything in my heart

I think the end of the poem is the most beautiful though. What Wordsworth goes on to say is really quite thought provoking and pokes and prods at what my idea of the world really was. You see, he mentions, “truths...which we are toiling our whole lives to find” (115-116), and in my opinion, everyone is searching for something. We all need a little meaning to life or a reason to live and Wordsworth, throughout this whole poem, struggles with what his is. As he takes the reader with him through his journey of self discovery, or rather self loathing if we’re honest, he challenges himself and us to think about the way loss affects life. Does it make us stronger? Does it ruin everything? Are we able or unable to recover from it and depending on that answer, is life the same afterward? These are big life questions and Wordsworth is going out on a limb here asking them and forcing us to think about them.

The pinnacle of this poem comes when you realize what Wordsworth is actually saying and concluding about loss. The sense of sadness we experience from something lost isn’t from what or who we actually lost, but rather it’s from what we have have imagined or perceived the thing gone to be or have been to us, not necessarily what it actually is. This is the whole point! Wordsworth is trying to get us to see, or maybe he isn’t trying to get us to see it because he’s only wrestling through his own ideas here, but I think it’s safe to say that in the end, Wordsworth realizes that perception is reality. Your memories of what you lost are clouded by whatever your perception of that thing was and so whether or not it was good or bad, that is the taste you are left with.

It’s a hard thing to grapple with - loss. Loss of someone, loss of life, loss of a job, house, etc. Sometimes we lose big things or people who play big roles in our lives, and how are we supposed to cope with that? Or how are we supposed to just age and not let life jade us and make us cynical and bitter? Why are we always looking behind with rose colored glasses rather than looking forward that way? Well I think Wordsworth shows us, through his own struggles and strife that it’s okay to struggle and strive and challenge and be upset and angry. Those feelings are good and those emotions are healthy, as long as we keep moving. He didn’t stop and fester in his self-loathing or give up once he landed there. He pushed on, he kept writing, he kept struggling. In the end, it paid off for him - he saw the fountains, meadows, and hills again and he returned to his first love. His message of loss is all about perception being reality and when you lose something, don’t stop looking for it.

thoughts on loss

- from my english romanticism professor

"When you lose someone or something the loss isn't coming from things not being what they should be or who they should be, but rather the loss comes from our imaginations making them into something they aren't.

We never live in a moment; we're always defined by memories.

It's hard to feel joy when you have to ask yourself if you're happy."

not absent, just silent.

End of Sophomore year. End of the rugby season. End of my job at the YMCA. End of life in and around Philly.

Beginning of summer 2017. Beginning of my job at Mt. Gilead. Beginning of two (+) months living in the Poconos. 

Away from my friends. Away from my family. Away from the business of life that I always seem to be getting caught up in. 

I just felt like I needed to take some time and reflect on life as it sits, and hopefully share what little perspective I have right now.

This was the busiest school year of my life. In the fall, I started at Temple. I loved my fall semester. My classes were great, my friends were great. My job proved to be stressful. Very stressful at times. I missed my friends who were away and I was very overwhelmed during my time of transition, but after a month or so into it, I found a rhythm and it was such a rewarding semester. I learned so much about the city and teaching and I just felt like my heart and mind were being opened up to so many things. Toward the end of the semester, I went through a fairly rough break up. It was really sudden and hard in a lot of ways, but I learned a lot about myself and in the end, I'm really thankful for the time I spent in that relationship and the experiences I had outside of it. 

Post-breakup, I went through a season of loneliness. I lost my major friend group at school and was really searching for a place to belong on campus that I could call my home. Over winter break, I spent a lot of time with my friend Gabbi who really helped me refocus and keep me grounded. 

During that time, I started clinging to Jesus in a way that was different than I ever had before. Throughout December and January, I learned that the Christian walk isn't something we can just take up one day and then all of a sudden lives are changed over night, but rather, the Christian walk is something we daily choose to walk. It's the path of righteousness that must be chosen day by day by day. I can't explain some of the things I felt and experienced at the beginning of this year (2017) but I couldn't help but beg God with the question of "Why?"

Well - hindsight is 20/20. Now I can see God had been drawing me closer and closer to himself because he knew that I couldn't sustain myself. I was thirsty for a water only he can supply. So I walked and I searched. 

Spring semester brought it's own form of healing back to the business I always seem to be burying myself in when all else fails. 

I found my home during the spring semester.

I wanted to join a sorority, but I was short about 500 dollars, 40 hours a week and extra blood to sell my soul, so I picked a different club. I've always been fairly athletic, so when I decided to give rugby a go, people were surprised but not shocked. I've never met a more inviting, exciting, and fun group of girls before. Day 1 I had a nickname and even though I had no idea what was going on, I still felt like a total part of the team. We laughed, ran, studied, had friday night get togethers - the whole 9 yards. Or meters as we would say. I found myself feeling more at home at school than in Bucks County and nestling in with my newfound family whenever possible. 

Rugby pushed me to work hard and sweat out my fears, failures, successes, trials, and whatever else I was facing. Tackling a big girl? Get low and dig deep. A big paper? Get low and dig deep. Broken nose? Get up and fight back. Life knocks you down? Get up and fight back. 

My team showed me that there is strength in femininity and beauty in boldness. Joining rugby was the defining point of my semester and I think the turning point in my college life. Definitely one of the best decisions I've made this far. But the semester ended and we all went home and life comes and people go and I miss my team and my little family from Willington and my petty pals. 

So now we've reflected. I've loved, lost, regrouped, loved again - people and things. But I still felt like I was missing something. That's when I decided to take to the woods. You see, I love the city. Love it. Want to live there, want to change it, want to run it. But the woods - that's where you find yourself. You're stripped bare of everything and everyone and the noise and the background and life is still and quiet and lonely and beautiful and full of adventure.

So here I am, for my summer in the woods. Partly my decision was selfish. I had spent all year running. From one thing to the next; always running. I needed to relax and regroup and refresh and sweat out all the toxins my pores have so willingly soaked in. But also, I needed to put other people before myself. I am selfish by nature, but I do love to serve. and I've learned a lot this year - about myself, about people, about God and who he is and why he loves me and how he loves me and what he desires for me and I need to give that to others. So I came here to share him with some girls who need him just as much as I do. 

Because this year, he was pretty silent. Sure, I can see his hand moving and working now, but in the moment, I couldn't. I cried of loneliness and dispair and confusion and needyness and lack of faith because I couldn't hear him. But he was there, and he was faithful. 

He was faithful. 

In my doubting and failure and mistrust of who he is, he was (and still is!) FAITHFUL. I couldn't see it because I had been blinded by my own selfish desires but God is good. and even when he is silent, he isn't absent. God is NOT an absent father. He is loving and kind and provides for us even when we can't see him leave for work in the morning. He was faithful, in his silence, to provide for me people in moments I so desperately needed them, people who were not silent, but lovingly (and sometimes not so lovingly) spoke truth into my life. My parents, friends, people I didn't know. People who I had let see me in my worst moments and know my ugliest self, were still loving me. THIS is just how faithful God is - to give us what we need, when we need is. God is a god who provides.

He beckons, he calls, and he draws us to himself with loving and open arms - always. 

This is what I learned this year, and I'm sure there's going to be more to learn this summer. 

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

Thomas Merton

women's lit - 3/24/17

"i imagine the collection of relationships that I've had in my life as a big giant house that I've purchased. each person is a room in my house; they all have their own decorations and senses of humor and tastes and smells and stories and signs and symbols. everything in each room is a little different from the next. but as I walked through my house from one room to another, all of these things became part of me. I had to learn that you can't find yourself in other people. you can't fall ridiculously in love and have there only be two types of people in the world - them and everyone else. you've got to love yourself. you've got to find yourself within yourself."

woman.

today is international womens' day.

i recently saw a post on facebook about how we shouldn't be celebrating our genders because we should be celebrating how jesus Christ defines us, not our gender.

i love jesus. he has done so much for me and my family. he died on the cross for my sins and redeemed and also set me free from the bondage of this world.
but i do not see how in any way celebrating my gender and celebrating other women and their accomplishments takes away from god's role in my life.

god made me a woman! why would i not want to celebrate the life that he gave to me and other women?
my gender is NOT the only thing that defines me. nor is my sexuality, socioeconomic status, level of education, race, etc. to subject myself to being completely defined by any one of these categories would be lessening myself as a human. YES, they all play a role in who i am and how I've been raised, but they are not the end all be all.

define yourself however you want to define yourself and don't let anyone tell you who you are or aren't.

dear papere,

hey poppo!
saw some pictures of us in the last few days and MAN am i missing you.
there are so many new things going on in life right now that i wish you were here to share with me because i think that you'd be really proud. sometimes stuff happens, and i wish i could call you and ask for help or you could tell me what to do. remember that one time i wanted to quit soccer my senior year? "you've got marsden in you, ab, and marsdens aren't quitters. hard times build character."

okay just some updates i think you need to know:
i LOVE temple!! i am learning so so much about literature and education. all of my professors are pretty smart and i like sitting in class learning from them so much.
my job is going well, i think. i'm not sure what my summer plans are yet. i have an opportunity to go away or stay home and it's all kind of up in the air right now.
josh & kristen & lenna & caleb all live at home with me & mom & dad! i have loved having them so close. caleb is so smart and funny and strong willed, like all the best of us in the family are. lenna is smiling so much and is just a great little friend. if only you could see her cheeks you'd have allll the heart eyes.
selah is getting so big and beautiful. she LOVES sarah more than anyone, but who doesn't??? between her big eyes and smile she's gonna be a KILLER.
mom & dad are good, hanging in. i don't get to hang with them as much as i'd like because i'm so busy.
after last summer, robbie and i actually got pretty close, and uncle dean and aunt terry, too. i talk to them like once a weekish and i go over for dinner when i have free time. i really love our family so much.
BUT the thing i am most excited to tell you is that i started playing rugby for temple!!!!!!!!! catch me a temple athlete just like you!!! poppo, rugby is literally THE most fun sport i have ever played. we had our first tournament on saturday and played 4 games. we won 3 and tied 1. mom and lauren came to support me and it was freezing but they came anyways and it was so nice. the game itself is such a rush of adrenaline. my team put me on the back like cause i'm fast, i think i got that from you. i really wish that you could see me play more than anything but i know you're watching me all the time.
i've made so many friends on my team - we've become like a family so fast. i love being a part of this community.
as the days pass, i get more and more excited to be a teacher. but i also love college and i'm trying to make the most of my time here at temple.
i love you so much and i miss you like crazy. i hope i'm making you proud. doing my best to work hard and be careful.
see you soon, xoxo
abigail

if you think her body is such art

then look don't touch

2017 priorities

Me, myself & I

I don't love you anymore.

excerpt of a story that doesn't need to be written

be ashes.

Ever since I was 15 years old, I have been trying to teach myself that I don't need a hero. 

I don't need someone to swoop in and save me. 

I need to save myself. 

I am literally never going to be happy until I can fully, confidently, 100% say that I am the only person I need. 

I have been trying to learn this for four years.

But today I realized that it's just not true. 

Humans were made to need other humans. We're not meant to be alone and stay that way.

It's not wrong to need help. It's not wrong to fall apart and crumble. It's not wrong to burn to ashes. 

It's wrong to stay that way. 

So ask for help. Fall apart. Crumble to the ground. Burn down. 

But rise again. Be a Phoenix. Find new life. Rebuild. And be stronger than ever. 

Life is hard, and ya can't do it alone. 

"We can't control much in life, and we can't always control what comes into our view. Yet, Jesus has given us control over what we dwell on. And in the end, what we dwell on is what we become. Where we camp is where we live and die." (Louie Giglio)

love overcomes fear.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't angry with the results of this election. In the year of 2016, I am astounded at the amount of hate that has filled our country and the city that I love so much. I was taught to love others no matter what their class, race, background, gender, etc. I have already begun to see the effects of the divide, and this is only day 1.

Yesterday my mom reminded me that Israel asked for a king, not the king the Lord wanted for them, but their request was granted because he gave them up to govern themselves. America asked for a king, and they have certainly gotten what they asked for. To all of my friends who are upset, we MUST remember that when they go low we go high. We must carry ourselves with class and dignity and love. Love others. Love the people around you. Love hard and love without reserve because that is what is going to carry us through.

I don't know if or how he will but God, please bless America.

Contract.

at the end of the day

at the end of the say you are the person i say goodnight to.
so even if you've managed to piss me off, annoy me, irk me to death
you're still the one who makes me laugh until i cry.
you're still the one i forward all my funny jokes and messages to.
you're still the one i can't wait to talk to everyday.
because at the end of the day,
you're the person i say goodnight to.

a pep talk for myself

recently, i had to write a bio about myself in the third person and it was way more difficult than it should have been. you think you know yourself, and you think you're interesting, but then BAM, you're not.

but actually, i am.

i am a wildfire. i am an exclamation. i am a WILDFIRE!!!
i start with a spark and i burn until i touch everything around me. i come in and out with a bang.
i will never let anyone tell me i am anything less than wonderful, not even myself.
so be it. be brave, be big, be bold, be spontaneous, be independent. be yourself. stop letting the world make you hard and sad and lonely. life is good and the earth is a wonderful place to live with adventures to be had and people to be met and stories to be told. go big or go home. love deeply. tell the people you love that you love them. stop holding back for fear of rejection. if they reject you, they never deserved you anyways. work hard in school. work hard in work. spend some time alone. make some tea, put on beyonce, and handle it. your worst day is never so bad that you can't survive it.
so rise like the sun and burn like a wildfire because this is your time to shine.

///

"If you could only describe Abigail in one word, probably the best word you could use is wildfire. Wildfires start with a spark and then don't stop spreading until they've touched everything around them. Between balancing work, school, and social responsibilities, Abigail needs that big spark to start her and keep her going. She is always going from one new idea to the next, burning bright for everyone around her to see. Her goals are to move from an educator in the city of Philadelphia to serve on the City Council as the eventual Secretary of Education. Abigail wants to make a difference in the life of every person and child she comes in contact with. She aims to do so with a smile and laugh because her life mantra is to do more of what you love."

part 5

she had been swimming rapidly for as long as she could remember
stroke after stroke
kicking and kicking

finally, after what had been miles,
she saw land
so she swam faster and harder to the land before her
and when she got there, she realized,

this is what i have been swimming too -
all this time

it wasn't paradise, by any stretch,
but it was a new place to call home.
a new place, with a new season
she met new people and experienced new things
this land was a land of firsts.

after she had some time to process all of these changes,
and believe me, there were a lot of changes,
she began to realize something about herself.
she had a little bit of "i need to save the world" in her
and since she had started with saving herself,
she decided she wanted to save someone else.

so that was her life goal,
to save as many people as she could,
and that's how she ended up where she did.

part 4

eighteen was
back on the learning curve
back to square one, learning lessons the hard way
crying tears and wishing the years away

this poor girl couldn't catch a break
or so she thought.
but really, she had caught so many breaks
she could have been dead,
not just damaged.

at the end of the first 6 months, she had to force herself to fight
to pick up the broken and shattered pieces
of life and of herself
and of her heart
to fight.
fight hard and work hard because this wasn't what life was supposed to be

she dawned a ponytail
her favorite sneakers
fists held high -
she fought

fast forward through the second six months &
life had dramatically changed.
our friend had really changed from
a sad and lonely, broken girl
to someone who put in the work
to save herself.